Mini Cooper to Mini Van

Last night I told Andy that I was going back to work full time until Jacob turns 18 months! Now, of course I was only joking--well, half joking. Jake, along with his poor sleeping habits, is going through a rough phase right now--teething and achieving the major gross motor milestones. First, this kid is the
S L O W E S T teether on Earth! Seriously, at nearly 11 months old, he has only 2.5 teeth. This half tooth JUST broke through his sore gums only last week. Poor little guy is hurting I know.

Jacob has what I call a tenacious personality. Unlike his big brother Luke, who was content to fully experience each milestone until he just happened to realize he could do something more, Jake has been a go-getter since a young age. Ever he could sit up at 5 months old, he's been ready for the next step. As soon as I felt comfortable enough to remove the pillows surrounding his unsteady little body, Jake felt the need to crawl. Now, he did not actually crawl until 9.5 mos, but he tried and tried for many months before and was a very frustrated baby until he could move his little chubby self on all fours. I finally felt some relief and figured he'd stop fussing now that he could get around. Foolish mama! Jake was not content with this mode of transport for long. By 10 months, he was pulling himself to stand and at first was so proud of himself-screaming happily and clapping for himself. This lasted about 2 days. Now, he is frustrated because he wants to climb the stairs and he tries. He wants to walk, but cannot figure out just how to make it happen. Personally, I don't think he'll be off running anytime soon, but I know that his determined personality will make it very frustrating for us both in the meantime. Now, never content to settle with one achievement and wanting to strive for more is an awesome personality trait--it will serve him well in life, but for now, it just serves as tears of frustration and making this mama feeling helpless.

When Luke was going through the development of early major milestones and teething, I'm sure there were some frustrating moments. However, either Mother Nature has dulled my memory, but more likely, the reason is that Luke was not in my direct care ALL THE TIME. Luke was in daycare for the first 15 months of his life. I was only with him for a few hours during the work week. Hence, my original statement that I was going back to work until this phase has passed us!

However, in all sincerity, I do not take my ability to be at home full time lightly. It is one we worked hard to achieve and struggled with for many months. Now, before I go on, here is my disclaimer: *I do not feel that day care is a horrible thing, nor do I look down upon any mother/father who place their children in day care.* It just was not for us, well me. Everyone tells you it takes a few weeks for the mom to get used to it. Well, I never got used to it. Not once. I cried every single day for 15 months! The final straw came when I witnessed a teacher losing her temper and then this same teacher neglected to feed, or change my son the entire day. I made the decision right there and then, if I had to wear rags for the rest of my life, that I would stay at home with Luke and any other children we had.

So here I am. A human teether for Jake and constant playmate for Luke. The majority of my days are spent in yoga pants and sweatshirts which are often covered in drool and spit up and food that has been flung at me. Sometimes I feel like I am running an assembly line for feeding, for changing diapers, and for cleaning runny noses. There are moments when I look in my closet and see the Ann Taylor suits and dresses-once stored so prominently in my closet now squished in the back where I can barely recognize them. I see the my high heeled shoes, now covered in dust that have been replaced with my much more practical Sketchers. And when I look in the mirror I see roots, where there once was a lovely head of blonde (albeit highlighted) hair.

Yet despite all of this, there is not a shred of me that actually wants to leave my children in the mornings. Again, there is nothing wrong with moms who do have to or choose to leave their kids during the day. They are either the strong ones who do what they have to do or the blessed ones who love what they do. Fortunately and unfortunately for me, I ended up being neither of those until I got to stay at home full time. I used to love my job--my job as criminal investigator. But just after I got married, in preparing for a life with children, I gave up my gun/badge to become an intelligence analyst--aka, a desk job with steady hours, no on-call status, no travel, and a BIG HUGE paycheck...in other words, BORING! So to me the decision was an easy one for the heart. Why commute an hour each way to a job I was despising more and more while leaving my little Luke in the care of complete and sometimes inadequate strangers? In the end, the answer was obvious.

Some of my friends were astonished to learn that I quit my job and bought a minivan as they remember the days I used to cruise in my beloved mini cooper. They say "Leigha went from mini cooper to mini van!" And I laugh because it's true! But I feel blessed to have experienced both paths; the path of a full time working mom whose baby is in daycare to my current path, a fulltime stay at home mom (who works just as much!) with my two boys. Not every woman is blessed to have known both paths and I don't take my experience lightly. It has helped me put things in perspective when it gets rough. I still remember those days when I would drive frantically home from work in a panic to pick up Luke from daycare. I wouldn't stop for anything, there was no passing Go here. I wouldn't even fill up my gas tank until I had "rescued" Luke! So, when I look at all my nice clothes, shoes, and purses, instead of pining for them again, I feel thankful that I had the chance to wear them so that I can fully know in my heart that this was the right decision for me and my family. And who knows, someday, when perhaps my kiddos don't need me as much, I'll find myself wearing them again. As long as I'm home when they are from school, and I can still go to all their sports events, band concerts, and after school activities, and be home on weekends and school vacations and all major holidays...so if any of you out there find a job like that for me, keep me posted! ;-)