Mini Cooper to Mini Van

Last night I told Andy that I was going back to work full time until Jacob turns 18 months! Now, of course I was only joking--well, half joking. Jake, along with his poor sleeping habits, is going through a rough phase right now--teething and achieving the major gross motor milestones. First, this kid is the
S L O W E S T teether on Earth! Seriously, at nearly 11 months old, he has only 2.5 teeth. This half tooth JUST broke through his sore gums only last week. Poor little guy is hurting I know.

Jacob has what I call a tenacious personality. Unlike his big brother Luke, who was content to fully experience each milestone until he just happened to realize he could do something more, Jake has been a go-getter since a young age. Ever he could sit up at 5 months old, he's been ready for the next step. As soon as I felt comfortable enough to remove the pillows surrounding his unsteady little body, Jake felt the need to crawl. Now, he did not actually crawl until 9.5 mos, but he tried and tried for many months before and was a very frustrated baby until he could move his little chubby self on all fours. I finally felt some relief and figured he'd stop fussing now that he could get around. Foolish mama! Jake was not content with this mode of transport for long. By 10 months, he was pulling himself to stand and at first was so proud of himself-screaming happily and clapping for himself. This lasted about 2 days. Now, he is frustrated because he wants to climb the stairs and he tries. He wants to walk, but cannot figure out just how to make it happen. Personally, I don't think he'll be off running anytime soon, but I know that his determined personality will make it very frustrating for us both in the meantime. Now, never content to settle with one achievement and wanting to strive for more is an awesome personality trait--it will serve him well in life, but for now, it just serves as tears of frustration and making this mama feeling helpless.

When Luke was going through the development of early major milestones and teething, I'm sure there were some frustrating moments. However, either Mother Nature has dulled my memory, but more likely, the reason is that Luke was not in my direct care ALL THE TIME. Luke was in daycare for the first 15 months of his life. I was only with him for a few hours during the work week. Hence, my original statement that I was going back to work until this phase has passed us!

However, in all sincerity, I do not take my ability to be at home full time lightly. It is one we worked hard to achieve and struggled with for many months. Now, before I go on, here is my disclaimer: *I do not feel that day care is a horrible thing, nor do I look down upon any mother/father who place their children in day care.* It just was not for us, well me. Everyone tells you it takes a few weeks for the mom to get used to it. Well, I never got used to it. Not once. I cried every single day for 15 months! The final straw came when I witnessed a teacher losing her temper and then this same teacher neglected to feed, or change my son the entire day. I made the decision right there and then, if I had to wear rags for the rest of my life, that I would stay at home with Luke and any other children we had.

So here I am. A human teether for Jake and constant playmate for Luke. The majority of my days are spent in yoga pants and sweatshirts which are often covered in drool and spit up and food that has been flung at me. Sometimes I feel like I am running an assembly line for feeding, for changing diapers, and for cleaning runny noses. There are moments when I look in my closet and see the Ann Taylor suits and dresses-once stored so prominently in my closet now squished in the back where I can barely recognize them. I see the my high heeled shoes, now covered in dust that have been replaced with my much more practical Sketchers. And when I look in the mirror I see roots, where there once was a lovely head of blonde (albeit highlighted) hair.

Yet despite all of this, there is not a shred of me that actually wants to leave my children in the mornings. Again, there is nothing wrong with moms who do have to or choose to leave their kids during the day. They are either the strong ones who do what they have to do or the blessed ones who love what they do. Fortunately and unfortunately for me, I ended up being neither of those until I got to stay at home full time. I used to love my job--my job as criminal investigator. But just after I got married, in preparing for a life with children, I gave up my gun/badge to become an intelligence analyst--aka, a desk job with steady hours, no on-call status, no travel, and a BIG HUGE paycheck...in other words, BORING! So to me the decision was an easy one for the heart. Why commute an hour each way to a job I was despising more and more while leaving my little Luke in the care of complete and sometimes inadequate strangers? In the end, the answer was obvious.

Some of my friends were astonished to learn that I quit my job and bought a minivan as they remember the days I used to cruise in my beloved mini cooper. They say "Leigha went from mini cooper to mini van!" And I laugh because it's true! But I feel blessed to have experienced both paths; the path of a full time working mom whose baby is in daycare to my current path, a fulltime stay at home mom (who works just as much!) with my two boys. Not every woman is blessed to have known both paths and I don't take my experience lightly. It has helped me put things in perspective when it gets rough. I still remember those days when I would drive frantically home from work in a panic to pick up Luke from daycare. I wouldn't stop for anything, there was no passing Go here. I wouldn't even fill up my gas tank until I had "rescued" Luke! So, when I look at all my nice clothes, shoes, and purses, instead of pining for them again, I feel thankful that I had the chance to wear them so that I can fully know in my heart that this was the right decision for me and my family. And who knows, someday, when perhaps my kiddos don't need me as much, I'll find myself wearing them again. As long as I'm home when they are from school, and I can still go to all their sports events, band concerts, and after school activities, and be home on weekends and school vacations and all major holidays...so if any of you out there find a job like that for me, keep me posted! ;-)

Cabin Fever

Today is Day 4 of my snow-in. I sit here writing this stuffing my face with Milky Way fun size bars leftover from Halloween, in my pajamas which I've worn for the past three days. Yes, I'm going crazy. I know to some people four days may not be alot, but to me, someone who likes to bring (drag) my kids everywhere most days of the week, this is killing me! We're finally plowed out, but the roads still don't look all that great and we all know I'm a terrible snow/ice driver. Yes, I'm from Boston, but that doesn't matter--I still hate to drive in the snow/ice ever since I totaled my car in 2008 in an ice storm.

Speaking of being from Boston...you would think I loved the snow or at the very least wouldn't mind it. Nope--never have and never will. My mother was very pregnant with me way back in the great Blizzard of 1978 and she and my father were reduced to walking everywhere for awhile--I must've picked up on my hatred of snow in-utero!! As a little kid, of course I loved sledding, ice skating, building snow forts and even eating snow, but as I got older, snow became Public Enemy #1. As a teenager, snow meant I couldn't go out. My parents didn't want me driving in the bad weather and certainly did not trust any of my friends or boyfriends to drive me around. So, whenever a snorm threatened to cancel my plans, I quickly became a sullen teen with great angst. While I may have grown up and can make my own decisions now, I still hate when the snow puts a crimp in my plans. So, yes, I turn into a sullen middle-aged mama. No running errands, no Mom's Club activities for the kids...no nothing!

My husband laughed at me over the weekend when I opened up our bedroom window just to take in the fresh air. Yes, it was freezing and I could barely see out over the snow that covered the window, but I felt I needed the cold shocking air just to continue breathing myself. And this morning, when I actually stepped out my front door to get the paper in 17 degree weather, I actually thought to myself as I did a happy dance that it wasn't all THAT cold! Maybe I could take the kids out for a walk...ok, I'm losing it, but I'm not that crazy--YET!

They say we are expecting another 5-10 inches of snow tomorrow night. So by spring, I'm sure I will have gained 10 lbs and have nothing to wear but my red snowflake fleece pajamas which have pancake batter and snot all over them since both kids are sick and I've done nothing but cook and bake all weekend!

As for my rocky relationship with the snow, well, perhaps it will be slightly amended once BOTH of my children are old enough and healthy enough to go out and play in it...for surely, I will be right there with them, re-experiencing the joys of sledding, ice skating, fort building and snow eating--well, maybe not the snow eating because I know better now and we all know what a germaphobe I am!! For I am able to put aside my opinion of the snow as long as my children can find joy in it...until of course they are teenagers, in which case they will NOT be driving in this stuff nor will I trust their friends/girlfriends to cart them around either!! I did after all, learn from the best!

A decade in review...

Happy New Year's Eve! Today is the very last day of 2009 and of the 00's. This decade has been about 1/3 of my entire life thus far and it has also been the most transforming for me. Yes, during my first decade of life I was born, learned to eat, crawl,walk, toilet train, read, write, etc. However, these past 10 years have probably had the most impact on me and my future.

The decade started out with a bang for sure. Amidst all the Y2K frenzy, I graduated from college in the Spring of 2000 and moved out of my childhood home for the first time in August 2000, when I joined the US Capitol Police. All of a sudden I found myself in rural Georgia at the academy very far from my home, my family, and my friends. I learned things about myself both professionally and personally that I carry with me today. This was the first decade in which I really grew up. I bought my first car, my first home, and had my very first set of bills! Hello real world!

Just one year later, life as we all know it and certainly my job as a police officer were to be changed forever on September 11, 2001. I began to look at the world and my job differently. Professionally speaking, the next few years were a whirlwind of opportunities and advancement. I traveled the country protecting members of Congress, became a criminal investigator, and received training opportunties I had only dreamed about. Personally, I spent my hard earned overtime traveling the Caribbean and purchased my first condo.

About halfway through the decaded, I fell in love with my now husband--fittingly in Boston during the Democratic National Conventions. So much good has come from my life and time in Boston! In 2006 we got married and purchased our first real house together and where we live today.

Sadly, this decade did bring us some deep sadness when Andy's mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died almost a year and half later. But we know she is watching over us from above and is likely laughing and smiling as she always did in her eartlhy life!

Fastforward almost three years, and we have two beautiful children together and two beautiful nieces and one adorable nephew. All of the Hamilton cousins were born this decade. This decade has brought us many blessings and I hope the next 10 years will continue to find us all in excellent health and spirit.

One last, but very important note for this decade in review concerning family and friends. I truly came to cherish, respect, love, and appreciate my family over the past 10 years. Moving away and growing up will do that to you. I've also come to appreciate and love all the friends I've had and lost over the past 10 years. Some were around as the saying goes "for a season" and some "for a reason". Others are my forever friends--both old and new. But one thing is for sure--I have loved you and cherished you all--whether you were my friend for a season, a reason, old, new, and forever. You've all added something to my life and I know that we have many more life adventures to explore in this new decade. So, Happy New Year and decade. May we all be blessed!

Happy Christmas!

I love Christmas! Who doesn't?? But I was especially excited for this Christmas. First, this was the first Christmas in two years that we have actually been at our own house for Christmas! Ever since Luke was born, we've spent the holiday in Boston with my family--who I very much missed this year. However, it was nice not to have to travel and to decorate knowing we'd see gifts under our very own tree!. Additionally, this is the first year that Luke had an idea as to what Christmas is all about--from presents to Santa to the birth of Jesus--the real reason for the season. At first he didn't believe that there actually was a Santa Claus, but by Christmas Eve, he was very excited about Santa coming down our "hot"--which is what he calls our fireplace. On Christmas morning he even told me that he heard Santa come down "the hot"!!

It was also the first Christmas we celebrated with TWO children. How blessed we are!! Jacob really completes our family and we had double the fun that morning. Even my little 9 month old got excited about the toys and the wrapping paper. It was so much fun to watch them both. Jacob loved eating everything that wasn't actual food and Luke's face when he saw his most favorite gift (a kitchen) was priceless and just what I dreamed it would be.

Since Jake just went with the flow and Luke was totally into his kitchen, the rest of us (me, Andy, and Grandpa Gene) got to eat breakfast and get some much needed coffee. Four hours later, we finally got through opening all the gifts. I was so anxious to see Luke's face open each gift, but had to remind myself to appreciate this slow and relaxed approach, as I'm sure it won't be long until both boys are tearing through gifts in a frenzy!

I remember anticipating Christmas as a child so much that I would get nervous butterflies in my stomach and had a hard time staying asleep! As I got older, although I loved the gifts every bit as much, I was "too cool" to race to the tree and see what "Santa" brought us. Finally, this year once again, I had that butterflies in my tummy feeling and was waking up every hour anxiously waiting for my children to wake up. And wouldn't you know that both kids slept a little bit late that day? Ah, the ironies of life!

The rest of Christmas day was spent lounging in our pajamas, eating cookies and candy, and playing with the toys scattered everywhere. I really couldn't think of a better way to spend Christmas...unless of course the rest of my family was with us. But, there's always next year...;-)

Germaphobes and Pigs

I am already known as a nutty germaphobe amoungst my family and friends. I'm the crazy one who uses a cart cover until my child is so big that I simply cannot lift him high enough to properly get him IN the cart. I'm also the one who carries around hand sanitizer and wipes and washes my hands and that of my toddler the second we enter the house. This is all in an attempt to keep away the ever dreaded GERM monster that is surely lurking on every store cart, door handle, and playground. And yes, we still get sick. In fact, Jake just finally got over his second cold of the season already. It traveled through our house, as most germs do. It's not as if I am a wuss when it comes to sicknesses. I've had countless flus (prior to the vaccine), colds, and even norovirus, which is THE worst of them all, by the way. And with Luke we tackled all sorts of germ monsters...you name it, he probably had it; from chicken pox, to ear infections (oh, the incessant ear infections), to stomach bugs, RSV, and the flu (despite the vaccine!). Yes, Luke's first 15 months of life were a nightmare for this germaphobe. It may have been the very thing that brought me to this point to begin with!! Even now, the memory of the horrid ear infections haunt me. Since Jake has had two pretty horrible colds, I simply expected the ear infection to come. Each night after I put him to sleep, I held my breath and waited...waited for the scream that would keep us up all night until we got our salvation--antibiotics, from his pediatrician the next morning. And even though his cold is long since gone, I still think to myself, well maybe there is still fluid in his body lurking...because many a time, Luke would appear to have no sickness at all and yet STILL have an ear infection. Thank God, though, literally....I am still just waiting.

I actually started out being a bit cavalier with Jacob. After all, he's my second child and as written above, I've been through plenty medically speaking with Luke and even Jake himself. I thought I'd be more laid back about the whole germ thing this time around. And I was. Until news of H1N1 hit. For a germaphobe such as me, there is no greater fear than to know that there is a serious disease out there that is very catchy and easy to get and is possible to die from. It is for my little ones that I fear. All you hear about is how children everyone are dying from this and they NEED to get vaccinated. Well, vaccines are scarce and our pediatrician STILL doesn't have any. Yes, I've been calling every week (sometimes more than once!). What am I supposed to do? Live in a bubble? Not very practical...not that I haven't thought about it even still... ;-)

So, here I am--second guessing myself over every sneeze, sniffle, cough, and Heaven forbid, fever and vomiting. I cope the only way I can. I overcompensate. So, if you see a crazy lady wiping down her cart with wipes and Lysol spray in the parking lot of Giant or Target, please don't stare, I do it for my own sanity or what little is left...just come on over and say hello...but only if you aren't coughing or sneezing or feeling feverish! ;-)

Thank you....

Wow! I cannot believe that I haven't posted in months...since before summer even began and now, alas, it is on its way out. It has been a crazy summer. One of ups and just as many downs. We've had some adjusting to do in our family with the arrival of Jacob. It hasn't been an easy road, but looking back now on the past few months, it has been a rewarding and educational one.

During the worst of times, there were moments when I really thought I might lose my mind. Jake-even now still-sometimes would just fuss and cry ALL day. Generally, there's no such thing as naps with Jacob. And I would find myself crying and fussing all day too! I could go into specifics, but suffice it to say that for the past month, we've been battling severe reflux and a poop issue that has involved some horrible testing. Also, I've collected more stool samples in more ingenious manners than I ever thought possible. And despite the distress I was under, I knew my littlest guy was experiencing worse. Sometimes, when he was in pain and crying, he'd look at me as if to say 'you're my mama, you are supposed to protect me from pain.' Of course, I'd give my life to protect him from knowing pain, but we all know that is just not possible in this world. But knowing that does not ease my guilt...the worst kind...the kind that strikes at me and has left its scars.

The stress has just been palpable at times. Poor Luke. He just didn't know what to do with a crying mama and baby brother! For all of his tantrums and frustrating questions, he, this little 30 month old guy, has been my life boat. He's been a source of pride and joy and humor. Gosh, how this kid makes me laugh and smile. Every day I grow more amazed at what he's learned or the kind of laughter he can bring. Even on those nights when all I wanted to do was run upstairs and hide,Luke would say or do something and I would just burst out laughing and thank God for such a blessing in my life.

Jacob is another blessing, of course. I know he'll get through this phase and we'll be stronger for it. I know because when he falls asleep on my chest, listening to my heart beat, I feel us connected. I know because when he giggles at all my kisses on his face or shoots me his flirty smile, that there is so much happiness for he and I to discover together, just as Luke and I do. And finally, I know when I see my oldest boy singing and tickling my youngest and hear those shrieks of delight, that all will be okay and everything is alright.

I've realized that God sends us children to allow us to experience joy and to teach us life lessons. I know there's lessons for me to learn here and I already know the joy. So thank you to my boys, Luke and Jake for all I've learned and yet to learn, and most especially for all the joy and the joy to come.

10 Years Ago...

So, my birthday is in a few weeks (as my dear husband reminded me!)! I NEVER forget my birthday--as soon as May pops up, I'm always so excited for my special day, so you know I've been busy and sleep deprived when that happens! Anyways, I will be 31 years old! To me, that sounds old--I know it is not really in the grand scheme of things, but to think that 10 years ago, I was only turning 21--just becoming an adult--I wasn't even out of college yet--wow! The funny thing is, I don't feel 31 (whatever that should feel like!)--I still feel like I'm 21--until I look in the mirror and realize I see some aging on my face from my years spent in the sun and my body changed due to the beautiful babies I gave birth to. It's a bit shocking now to read in magazines that I need to start prepping my skin with anti-aging creams/washes. Seriously? Just yesterday it seems I was reading about using washes to keep my skin healthy and pure...but ah, that was my 20's.

Now, I got to thinking about all this not solely because of my birthday, but because of something that happened while I was out driving the other day. It was a gorgeous, warm spring day here in Virginia. I was kid-free because I was on my way to the dentist (who-hoo!). I was wearing one of the few pants and t-shirts that still fit me--dark brown khakis and an orange t-shirt with brown Sketcher sneakers. My dark, autumnal colors stood in stark contrast to the beautiful, sunny day we were having. However, I still felt pretty good about myself because I had makeup on and my hair was actually blowdried (both a rarity since having a newborn!). Until that is, I saw a cute convertible with about 5 young blonde girls in it...their hair still perfect despite the convertible top down, their music blaring, all with cute tank tops and shades on and their skin perfectly bronzed. Suddenly, they look over at me and I am now painfully aware of what I look like in my dark, dowdy clothes and driving my minivan. Ouch! I am SO a mom and I'm old!!

While this got me feeling down, initially; in the end, I'm okay with it, because yes I AM a mom and I DO drive a mini-van and yes, I DO have to work at getting back into my pre-pregnancy clothes. BUT, I wouldn't trade any of it because I have a great husband and two deliciously sweet, cute little boys who make my life so rich and wonderful. Because I get to hear the sound of Luke's little feet as he runs around the house screaming "I love you mama!" Because I get to watch Jake smile peacefully as he sleeps in my arms. Because I married my best friend. And yes, at times they frustrate me (all 3 of them!) and make me exhausted, but they also love and adore me--even in my dowdy clothes and my hair unwashed in a scrappy pony tail! And that is a love you don't trade for ANYTHING!

So bring it on, 31...I can't wait until I'm 41 and get to reflect back on these 10 years.