Firsts

Dear Luke: This was a summer of firsts for you! Some, of course, were more exciting than others. But all of it was valuable. You went on your very first "big kid" roller coaster at King's Dominion (thank you, season passes). You went on your very first sleepover (at Liam's). You got stung by a hornet for the first time. And you learned how to swim for the very first time! The bee sting was pretty dramatic. You cried/screamed for about 45 minutes. It was on your finger and it did swell a little but man, did you carry on. But then, just like that, it was over. And we can all sigh a big sigh of relief that NO, you are NOT allergic to bees! ;) The first roller coaster was awesome! I'm a lover of roller coasters myself and being able to go on w/ you was very special for me! The best part was, you were so scared but you wanted to do it so much. Watching you put that fear aside and conquer it was so amazing and I was so proud of you. And now, you can't wait to go on even bigger ones! Not to mention, I'm pretty impressed that you always, always, raise both hands over your head! I don't even do it! ;) The sleepover. Currently, Liam is one of your best friends and we are very good friends with his whole family. We live only 5 minutes apart and since you two get along so well, we thought it would be perfect. I was ready to come and get you at 2am, when you woke up scared and wanting to come home. My phone was by my bedside and I was dressed and ready. My sleep was restless as it didn't feel the same at home without you. I kept checking the clock and my phone and still no call. When I finally woke up at 7am, I couldn't believe it. You did it. Your first sleepover--a complete success. I should never have expected anything less from you. You are, simply wonderful. Not that it would have made you less wonderful had you wanted to come home. Not at all. It's just that you continually surprise me with how grown up you have become. When I came over to pick you up a few hours later, you were happy and content and didn't have any inclination to come home. I admit, I was a bit confused on how to feel about this. Why didn't you want to come home? Was it better or more fun at their house? What was I doing wrong? Nothing. I wasn't doing anything wrong. In fact, everything was just right. You were just right. Somehow, quite by accident, you turned out happy and secure and confident. Right before my eyes. Swimming. By far, your biggest accomplishment this summer, maybe even all year. In summers past, you've been terrified of the water. Unsure and clingy and always screaming. I was convinced lifeguards would throw us out of pools b/c of all your screaming. And I admit: this always irritated me. I grew up swimming. Almost every memory of my childhood summers includes daily swimming. I took lessons most every day of every summer until I was in high school! Every dream vacation I've ever gone on and want to go on, includes a body of water and swimming. I couldn't understand your intense fear and I was determined to change it. Not that I had anything to do with it. It was all you, baby! We just helped pave the way for you and you grabbed the opportunity and soared with it! Two things were different this summer. First, we joined a community pool and second, we got you private swim lessons at this pool. Both were the best things we did all summer! The almost daily exposure to the water helped alleviate your fear. And the 12 lessons you had, gave you the confidence to know you could do it. In the very first lesson, you went under the water. Something you'd never done before. And by the end of all the lessons, you are swimming!! You jump in over your head all by yourself and swim! Not the forward crawl (yet) or anything, but you can do it. You are completely comfortable having us OUTSIDE of the pool just watching you play around and swim with your friends. I can still barely comprehend the huge difference between the beginning of the summer and now. It seriously is amazing. There's no other words for it. Miraculous too. Your Dad and I are so very proud of you. And yes, next year, there will be more swim lessons! ;)

Kindergarten Fears

Dear Luke: I can hardly believe that it's almost time for you to enter kindergarten. You are 5 1/2 years old and lately I look at you and I'm not sure where the time went. I know this is a common conundrum for parents everywhere, but I'm still amazed by you. I think back to my tiny, chubby, baby boy who screamed for hours every day as a newborn beginning at 4pm. I remember how you had to be swaddled tightly for the first 6 months of your life. I remember just holding you in my arms while you napped. And I remember the countless hours we spent playing trains, drawing/coloring and just hanging out together. Now, you are such a big kid! You and your friends now play with little interference from me or any other mom and I'm just stunned at how you've flourished in just 2 years. I still remember that shy little boy who wouldn't leave my legs at the playground; the little boy who would rather hang out with me than explore the Play Area at Chick-Fil-A. Now, there's no stopping you. Now, you ask me to leave. You are so strong and independent and I've loved every moment of watching you grow. I'm going to miss you so much this year. Admittedly, part of it is selfish. You are so easy going and laid back; Jake and I are the emotional, temperamental ones and sometimes I am nervous how we'll survive each other without your even keeled personality to balance it all out. And I am sad for Jake who will lose his best and most favorite playmate for most hours of the day, most days of the week. And though I know that because you are so much like your Dad, everyone will love you--teachers and kids alike, I still worry. You will be making your own friends now. And that is hard for me. For the past 2 years, it's been ME searching out friends for you, via the mom's group. And you've made some wonderful, amazing, true friends. But, I'm entering into unknown waters here and I'm not sure how this whole social situation goes for a 5 year old, but I know it's just the beginning and I trust in you to make good friends and good choices, but it's still worrisome. I worry you'll be left out or feel sad and I won't be there to buffer it or make it better. I know that's part of growing up and you are so delightful and funny and charming (DIMPLES!) that it will be okay; better than okay, but I'm your mom and I still worry. We'll get through this together, you and I. We always have and we always will; we've been through a lot of challenges, you and I. And you continually surprise me with how intelligent and observant you really are about the world. The ups and downs of this first year of school will be challenging and wonderful all at once. As much as I dread it, I will embrace it--at least until summer vacation, when I'll have you home with me again, if only for a little while.

Hey there Stranger!

Well, hello there! I can't believe it's been so long, but it's been just over 2 years has come and gone since I've last updated this blog. I guess I just got busy with life. Right around this time, I started making some very close, simply amazing friends for myself and my boys and playdates and naps ruled our days. Any free time has been devoted to my part time job, a calendar editor for our local parenting magazine. We've been blessed with many opportunities for fun and good health and I'm so grateful for it all. And while I pray it continues, I've realized that I want to continue the journey of my boys' childhood and the victories and struggles that I go through trying to be a good mom to them both. So, whether I have to stay up late, get up early or give up my "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" obsession, I will get better at updating this. Hopefully, someday, they'll want to sit down (maybe with a drink in hand) and dive into the crazy, fun, tumultuous story of their childhood--at least from their mom's perspective!

School Daze

It's the week after Labor Day and here in Stafford County, VA that means first week of back to school!!! Of course, neither Luke nor Jake are in school, so this doesn't really mean much to me except that I now need to time my errands around school bus drop offs. For Luke and Jake it means the excitement of watching the bus come to our street every morning and late afternoon. However, for many of my mommy friends and family members, it means FREEDOM. My Facebook homepage has been flooded with status updates from my mommy friends who are sending their little ones (and not so little ones) off to school this week; some for the first time. For the past few weeks, I've noticed the updates about how they can't wait until their kids are back in school and how the fighting between siblings has just been too much all summer and how they long for school days to begin. But now, now that it is actually here, the tears are pouring from these very same mommies! They bravely put their little ones on the bus and then walk, seemingly heavy hearted back into their empty, quiet house. Perhaps I should pause for a moment of revered respect for these two qualities.

Okay. Now for me, well, I watch with a heavy heart of my own, as I break up another fight between Luke and Jake and wonder if that day will ever come. I feel almost jealous of these mommies who get 8 whole hours to themselves. Oh, the things I could accomplish in that time, a whole five days a week; my house would be sparkling,dinner would be simmering, my errands done in record time, and oh so many home projects that have gone by the wayside in my daily attempts to just keep us all healthy and surviving! Yet, here I am, changing my third poopy diaper of the day because Jake has decided he wants to finish his first one in a fresh diaper; I've poured about 5 cups of milk already; and I've broken up three times as many fights! And it's only 10 am time!

During these early weeks of back to school, I dream about the day when I get to send my two boys off to school for the day and back into MY empty, quiet house. It's the only thing that really gets me through these early school days. This is not to say that I do not LOVE being able to stay at home with my boys. Quite the contrary; but I must be honest when I say that is harder than any other job I've EVER had and twice as tiring and three times as stressful. And I don't get sick days or vacation time to get away and clear my head. I don't get lunch breaks or bathroom breaks or coffee breaks. Most days I'm lucky if I get to finish my coffee before it has turned stone cold...and this is AFTER reheating it three separate times. Of course, there is no other way I'd have it. After all, these are my children and we are fortunate enough to have me stay home at with them full time and I love this great blessing. And I DO love watching them grow and hearing all the funny things Luke says and watching the sweet, albeit, short-lived moments that my boys play nicely together and hearing them giggle over some silly secret. This is what makes all the hard times so worth it. But I can still have my own silly secrets and dreams of some peace and quiet.

So four years from now, when BOTH my boys are in school full time, remind me that I said there would be no tears...and then, please be kind enough to hand me a tissue!!!

Tearing Down and Building Up

I've often described Luke to people--family, friends, and strangers alike as 'shy', 'attached', or 'introverted'. Now, I KNOW you are not supposed to label children and put tags on their personality, especially not in front of them. However, I found myself doing this in many settings, most often to excuse his reticent behavior, such as why he was wrapped around my leg at the park or why he refused to leave my lap at a playdate. However, a friend recently reminded me that labeling our children is doing them a disservice. By labeling Luke, I've let him down and if he ever heard me, while I'm sure he doesn't know what "introverted" means, I'm sure he could sense the apologetic disappointment in my voice. I feel terrible about this and can only hope to make it up to him from now on. After all, when you know better, you can do better.

And as for Luke, well, whether he understood the labels I put on him or not, has risen to the occassion and has torn those labels apart one by one. There is a strength in my little guy that I underestimated. When I decided to enroll Luke in a gymnastics class at The Little Gym with his best friend, Tyler, I was scared and anxious about this beyond belief. I had nightmares the night before his first class of Luke just screaming and crying and refusing to leave my side. However, that morning, I put my anxieties aside and acted brave for Luke. And you know, he didn't disappoint. Now, for the first class, I had to stay in the room by the wall, but as he got more and more comfortable, I could move farther and farther away until I was outside the room, looking in. After that first class, I haven't had to go inside once! Last week, I even left the building to deal with Jake's temper tantrum (but that's another story!) Luke didn't even notice I was gone! I guess I just had to give Luke the chance and the opportunity to take life by the horns and go. And go he did, beyond my wildest expectations.

My intent for the class was to work on Luke's separation anxiety. However, the best thing about this class was unexpected and overlooked by me--Luke's self-confidence in himself and his pure enjoyment in the class. Now, a gymnast, my son, is most certainly not. This can most likely be blamed on genetics, as I haven't been able to touch my toes since I was a baby and even as a former cheerleader, I couldn't and still cannot even master a simple cart wheel. However, he does not even notice this. He simply laughs and gives it his all every class. He talks about his excitement at jumping off the mats and swinging from the bar; but doesn't even mention how he can't walk the balance beam all that great yet, nor has he mastered flipping himself over the bar. But these are minor details to me and to him. When he runs out of class happy and excited, my heart swells with pride and joy as I realize that my little boy has accomplished so much more than I could have dreamed. And that is when I promise myself, that I will never shortchange this little guy again, for he is capable of so many great things and ripe with potential--and I cannot wait to discover it all with him.

Surrendering

Ok, so just to quickly update....

Have you ever tried to fight a 3 year old?? I wouldn't recommend it. Because you'll lose. Every single time. So now that my nerves and worry have ceased somewhat, I've just decided to let go the whole food issue with Luke. I did some research (since that's my specialty!!) and found out that no one out there really seems to recommend forcing ANY type of food on kids--not even fruit and veggies. So, I'll just have to keep sneaking his fruit/veggies into his foods in whatever way that I can. And of course, I'll keep on offering and putting the foods on his plate and just hope that one day he decides to be adventurous. At least he takes a really good multi vitamin and appears to be growing healthy and strong. So for now anyways, I'm waving the white flag. I'm sure there will be plenty of "battles" in our future, so I'm not going to waste my energy with this one, since I'm not going to win anyways.

As for potty training, well, we're done for now. I've simply told him we'll try again later, which he was most optimistic about. "Yes, Mommy, tomorrow I'll go potty" Except that to my 3 year old, tomorrow is probably more like "next year"!!! I've accepted the fact that a September 2010 enrollment into pre-school may not happen. And that's okay (sort of). As long as we can make it into kindegarten on time, I'll be happy!

And I'm just throwing this out there. But how can Luke look exactly like his father, in every single way--even down to his adorable dimples, but on the inside be NOTHING like him?? Seriously, on the inside, he is all Mama. So, I guess it's to be expected that we'll be butting heads from time to time. And besides inheriting my slightly OCD-ish and stubborn, opionated behavior, at least I can see the good he's gotten too--like a really big heart, a curious mind, a silly personality, and such a pure sweetness that even I am not sure where it came from. Now, who am I to argue with that?

Game On!

Today is one of those days. One of those days in which every single thing you do as a parent seems to just blow up in your face. I know what I'm supposed to do. I know how I'm supposed to act. But I just don't want to. What I want to do is start throwing things and screaming. This is what my children do when they are really upset and I can understand now why it is so appealing!! But, alas, I'm the adult, the parent and I must (try) to keep my cool and deal with this frustration in other ways. I'm still trying to figure that one out too.

I've been talking to Luke about potty training for months now. We've bought the potty, the underwear, the pull-ups, all the prizes, redecorated the bathroom; even letting him help pick out the decor. All to no avail. He understands what it is he is supposed to do. He just refuses to do it. And this frustrates me to no end. Also, I must admit, I'm feeling some pressure to get this done by late August so he can go to pre-school. He must be *mostly* potty trained in order to go to school--meaning, absolutely no diapers. I'm sure we could get away with pull-ups, but Luke will not even let me near him to get one on--despite the fact that we have them in his favorite characters--Disney's Cars.

He was perfectly happy to run around sans any type of diaper, pull-up, or underwear at all this morning. Until he had to pee. Then he got all squirmy and started to pee on the kitchen floor. I ran him to the potty but he stopped peeing and just started flailing, back arching--until it was impossible for me to hold him in the bathroom any longer. So, I just sighed, cleaned up the mess and got him a diaper. Score one for Luke today.

Next up-snack time. Luke has never been a great eater. In previous posts, I've mentioned his food texture issue and while we've gotten over this, Luke does not want to eat fruits and veggies. He will eat most anything else--protein and carbs are not a problem. However, he's old enough now that I insist he eat what I give him or no snacks, milk, or dessert. I'm working on fruits first. My pedi told me that as long as he eats a nice variety of fruits, the veggies are no big deal right now. Sounds good to me. While Luke usually will eat bananas and apples, lately he's been refusing them. So, for the past couple of weeks, I've insisted he eat them BOTH before any other snack and it has worked great--until today. (My plan for the future weeks will be to add strawberries, blueberries, and oranges as they come into season.) Today, he ate a few pieces and decided that was it. So in the trash they went--despite warnings that there would be nothing else all day except for his main meals. The child doesn't care. He will go to bed "hungry" and doesn't throw a fit. That is, until 6 am the next morning when he wakes me up proclaiming he is "starving". Well, from now on, if he doesn't eat the fruit the day before, he will see it at breakfast and then again at lunch and then at dinner until he eats the darned fruit! My pedi has also assured me that kids will not "starve" themselves and that he will eat when he is ready. Okay, so game on. I mean, seriously, I've talked mentally ill people out of commiting suicide and yet I'm failing at getting my three year old to pee in the potty and eat sweet, sugar filled fruit! Luke may not be out of diapers in time for pre-school, but he will be eating fruit like a champ by the end of the summer--come hell or high water--and I'm ready for both!

Until then, I think I'll eat some chocolate and drink some red wine, as that is certainly a most grown-up way to deal with all these frustrations!! ;-)

Standing Up

Jacob turns ONE tomorrow! I cannot believe it...my little baby has grown into such a handsome, strong, sweet soon to be toddler (he's cruising, so hopefully the walking will come soon!) However, while I could go on and on about how adorable and awesome he is, my point of this post is to talk about Jake's one year well visit tomorrow with his pediatrician.

My previous "Mother Warriors" post was primarily made to remind me to be strong for Jake tomorrow at his doctor visit. While I respect and absolutely adore his pediatrician, she is of course, very much pro-vaccines and well, I'm not so sure I am anymore. Nothing has specifically happened to change my views, but when I think back to the issues both of my boys have/had, it makes me wonder. It's also not that I'm afraid of autism. What I've come to fear are all the chemicals that we, as a society, inject into our tiny babies and growing toddlers. It's the allergies, ADHD, asthma, and increasing number of intestinal issues that our littles ones are developing that has me worried. Both my children have had severe acid reflux and oral aversion/texture issues with food. While Luke has overcome this (mostly!), I'm just now going through it with Jacob and it is no picnic. It's hard and trying and frustrating--for both of us. Jake took things one step further and developed a dairy/soy allergy at just 2 weeks old. While his little body has overcome that recently too (thanks in part to a very special formula), there is NO doubt in my mind now that the Hepatitis B vaccine that he received as a 12 hour old infant caused this allergy. It makes me sick to think that I could have prevented his pain if I had just done a little more research.

I was always VERY pro-vaccine. I mean, I'm a germaphobe, of course I am supposed to support vaccines. And admittedly, I will likely always vaccinate my children against the flu and H1N1 and believe me, if there were a vaccine for the stomach virus, I'd be the FIRST person in line! However, I do not see a need to vaccinate infants against a sexually transmitted disease at 12 hours old, unless the mother (or someone the baby lives with) is Hep B positive. I also do not believe that injecting our babies/toddlers with chemicals, such as aluminum, is safe or beneficial for their immune systems. As such, I will be very selective as to which vaccines my children get from here on in.

I blame myself for not researching the information, from BOTH sides, until now. When I had Luke, I was overwhelmed as a first time mom and just thought that vaccines were absolutely necessary and my doctor would never steer me wrong, blah blah. With Jake, I was so very tired and worn down with all his issues (the allergy and reflux, not to meniton the colic) and the newness of balancing life with an infant and a toddler, that again, I just went with the flow. But not now. Now I have researched and will continue to do so and I will stand my viewpoint, while continuing to respect our pedicatirician's. After all,, she is simply stating her very smart, very well trained and experienced opinion. I, on the other hand, only have my mommy intuition and gut to go by. It has been proven right before and so I will follow it.

Where was this intuition when I had Luke? I just don't know. Luke has been fully vaccinated. The relux is gone and as I've stated, we've mostly combatted the food texture issue, and have replaced it with the picky pre-schooler attitude. Jake up until this point, has also followed the schedule. However, we will no longer be doing that. The MMR will be postponed until he enters school and everything else will have it's own time and place that I will determine.

I also want to add that I would always respect whatever choices other parents make when it comes to vaccines. I don't believe in blaming or making judgements towards any parent--after all, they and only they know what it best for their children. I guess that is my whole point here. Sometimes, parents know best; not doctors and the pharmaceutical companies. And again, I want to stress that I'm not jumping on the anti-vaccine, let's blame it all on the shots wagon. Rather, I'm trying to eliminate as many unnecessary chemicals as I possibly can from my children. Yes, they are everywhere, but whatever I can do, I will. And while we cannot afford to go completely all organic, we will make sacrifices for the really important stuff, that my family eats alot of, such as apples, berries, and lettuce; for this, I will always try to do organic. We will be investing in a garden for the first time this year and I'm really excited about that. I am not going to be a crazy mom who won't let her kid eat pizza, cake, or Chick-fil-A (Heavens, no!), but when I can do better, I will do better for them and for me. But I must confess that french fries (albeit, organic if possible!) and chocolate will always be on my menu and likely on my children's menus as well...after all, life would not be nearly as enjoyable without them!

Mother Warriors

"A mother warrior is a mother who hears there is no hope for her child, and instead of retreating and mourning, breaks down walls, weaves her way through obstacles, follows her intuition even when people tell her she is crazy. She is a mother who believes in hope. A mother who believes in miracles and is able to carry on with strength and determination, even when her partner doubts her and offers her no support. A mother who never gives up, even when she keeps hitting dead ends. These are the women who will continue to open the door so future generations of children don't have to suffer. These are the mothers with hearts of gold and shields made of the strongest armor."

~Jenny McCarthy in her book, "Mother Warriors"~


Enough said.

Mini Cooper to Mini Van

Last night I told Andy that I was going back to work full time until Jacob turns 18 months! Now, of course I was only joking--well, half joking. Jake, along with his poor sleeping habits, is going through a rough phase right now--teething and achieving the major gross motor milestones. First, this kid is the
S L O W E S T teether on Earth! Seriously, at nearly 11 months old, he has only 2.5 teeth. This half tooth JUST broke through his sore gums only last week. Poor little guy is hurting I know.

Jacob has what I call a tenacious personality. Unlike his big brother Luke, who was content to fully experience each milestone until he just happened to realize he could do something more, Jake has been a go-getter since a young age. Ever he could sit up at 5 months old, he's been ready for the next step. As soon as I felt comfortable enough to remove the pillows surrounding his unsteady little body, Jake felt the need to crawl. Now, he did not actually crawl until 9.5 mos, but he tried and tried for many months before and was a very frustrated baby until he could move his little chubby self on all fours. I finally felt some relief and figured he'd stop fussing now that he could get around. Foolish mama! Jake was not content with this mode of transport for long. By 10 months, he was pulling himself to stand and at first was so proud of himself-screaming happily and clapping for himself. This lasted about 2 days. Now, he is frustrated because he wants to climb the stairs and he tries. He wants to walk, but cannot figure out just how to make it happen. Personally, I don't think he'll be off running anytime soon, but I know that his determined personality will make it very frustrating for us both in the meantime. Now, never content to settle with one achievement and wanting to strive for more is an awesome personality trait--it will serve him well in life, but for now, it just serves as tears of frustration and making this mama feeling helpless.

When Luke was going through the development of early major milestones and teething, I'm sure there were some frustrating moments. However, either Mother Nature has dulled my memory, but more likely, the reason is that Luke was not in my direct care ALL THE TIME. Luke was in daycare for the first 15 months of his life. I was only with him for a few hours during the work week. Hence, my original statement that I was going back to work until this phase has passed us!

However, in all sincerity, I do not take my ability to be at home full time lightly. It is one we worked hard to achieve and struggled with for many months. Now, before I go on, here is my disclaimer: *I do not feel that day care is a horrible thing, nor do I look down upon any mother/father who place their children in day care.* It just was not for us, well me. Everyone tells you it takes a few weeks for the mom to get used to it. Well, I never got used to it. Not once. I cried every single day for 15 months! The final straw came when I witnessed a teacher losing her temper and then this same teacher neglected to feed, or change my son the entire day. I made the decision right there and then, if I had to wear rags for the rest of my life, that I would stay at home with Luke and any other children we had.

So here I am. A human teether for Jake and constant playmate for Luke. The majority of my days are spent in yoga pants and sweatshirts which are often covered in drool and spit up and food that has been flung at me. Sometimes I feel like I am running an assembly line for feeding, for changing diapers, and for cleaning runny noses. There are moments when I look in my closet and see the Ann Taylor suits and dresses-once stored so prominently in my closet now squished in the back where I can barely recognize them. I see the my high heeled shoes, now covered in dust that have been replaced with my much more practical Sketchers. And when I look in the mirror I see roots, where there once was a lovely head of blonde (albeit highlighted) hair.

Yet despite all of this, there is not a shred of me that actually wants to leave my children in the mornings. Again, there is nothing wrong with moms who do have to or choose to leave their kids during the day. They are either the strong ones who do what they have to do or the blessed ones who love what they do. Fortunately and unfortunately for me, I ended up being neither of those until I got to stay at home full time. I used to love my job--my job as criminal investigator. But just after I got married, in preparing for a life with children, I gave up my gun/badge to become an intelligence analyst--aka, a desk job with steady hours, no on-call status, no travel, and a BIG HUGE paycheck...in other words, BORING! So to me the decision was an easy one for the heart. Why commute an hour each way to a job I was despising more and more while leaving my little Luke in the care of complete and sometimes inadequate strangers? In the end, the answer was obvious.

Some of my friends were astonished to learn that I quit my job and bought a minivan as they remember the days I used to cruise in my beloved mini cooper. They say "Leigha went from mini cooper to mini van!" And I laugh because it's true! But I feel blessed to have experienced both paths; the path of a full time working mom whose baby is in daycare to my current path, a fulltime stay at home mom (who works just as much!) with my two boys. Not every woman is blessed to have known both paths and I don't take my experience lightly. It has helped me put things in perspective when it gets rough. I still remember those days when I would drive frantically home from work in a panic to pick up Luke from daycare. I wouldn't stop for anything, there was no passing Go here. I wouldn't even fill up my gas tank until I had "rescued" Luke! So, when I look at all my nice clothes, shoes, and purses, instead of pining for them again, I feel thankful that I had the chance to wear them so that I can fully know in my heart that this was the right decision for me and my family. And who knows, someday, when perhaps my kiddos don't need me as much, I'll find myself wearing them again. As long as I'm home when they are from school, and I can still go to all their sports events, band concerts, and after school activities, and be home on weekends and school vacations and all major holidays...so if any of you out there find a job like that for me, keep me posted! ;-)

Cabin Fever

Today is Day 4 of my snow-in. I sit here writing this stuffing my face with Milky Way fun size bars leftover from Halloween, in my pajamas which I've worn for the past three days. Yes, I'm going crazy. I know to some people four days may not be alot, but to me, someone who likes to bring (drag) my kids everywhere most days of the week, this is killing me! We're finally plowed out, but the roads still don't look all that great and we all know I'm a terrible snow/ice driver. Yes, I'm from Boston, but that doesn't matter--I still hate to drive in the snow/ice ever since I totaled my car in 2008 in an ice storm.

Speaking of being from Boston...you would think I loved the snow or at the very least wouldn't mind it. Nope--never have and never will. My mother was very pregnant with me way back in the great Blizzard of 1978 and she and my father were reduced to walking everywhere for awhile--I must've picked up on my hatred of snow in-utero!! As a little kid, of course I loved sledding, ice skating, building snow forts and even eating snow, but as I got older, snow became Public Enemy #1. As a teenager, snow meant I couldn't go out. My parents didn't want me driving in the bad weather and certainly did not trust any of my friends or boyfriends to drive me around. So, whenever a snorm threatened to cancel my plans, I quickly became a sullen teen with great angst. While I may have grown up and can make my own decisions now, I still hate when the snow puts a crimp in my plans. So, yes, I turn into a sullen middle-aged mama. No running errands, no Mom's Club activities for the kids...no nothing!

My husband laughed at me over the weekend when I opened up our bedroom window just to take in the fresh air. Yes, it was freezing and I could barely see out over the snow that covered the window, but I felt I needed the cold shocking air just to continue breathing myself. And this morning, when I actually stepped out my front door to get the paper in 17 degree weather, I actually thought to myself as I did a happy dance that it wasn't all THAT cold! Maybe I could take the kids out for a walk...ok, I'm losing it, but I'm not that crazy--YET!

They say we are expecting another 5-10 inches of snow tomorrow night. So by spring, I'm sure I will have gained 10 lbs and have nothing to wear but my red snowflake fleece pajamas which have pancake batter and snot all over them since both kids are sick and I've done nothing but cook and bake all weekend!

As for my rocky relationship with the snow, well, perhaps it will be slightly amended once BOTH of my children are old enough and healthy enough to go out and play in it...for surely, I will be right there with them, re-experiencing the joys of sledding, ice skating, fort building and snow eating--well, maybe not the snow eating because I know better now and we all know what a germaphobe I am!! For I am able to put aside my opinion of the snow as long as my children can find joy in it...until of course they are teenagers, in which case they will NOT be driving in this stuff nor will I trust their friends/girlfriends to cart them around either!! I did after all, learn from the best!

A decade in review...

Happy New Year's Eve! Today is the very last day of 2009 and of the 00's. This decade has been about 1/3 of my entire life thus far and it has also been the most transforming for me. Yes, during my first decade of life I was born, learned to eat, crawl,walk, toilet train, read, write, etc. However, these past 10 years have probably had the most impact on me and my future.

The decade started out with a bang for sure. Amidst all the Y2K frenzy, I graduated from college in the Spring of 2000 and moved out of my childhood home for the first time in August 2000, when I joined the US Capitol Police. All of a sudden I found myself in rural Georgia at the academy very far from my home, my family, and my friends. I learned things about myself both professionally and personally that I carry with me today. This was the first decade in which I really grew up. I bought my first car, my first home, and had my very first set of bills! Hello real world!

Just one year later, life as we all know it and certainly my job as a police officer were to be changed forever on September 11, 2001. I began to look at the world and my job differently. Professionally speaking, the next few years were a whirlwind of opportunities and advancement. I traveled the country protecting members of Congress, became a criminal investigator, and received training opportunties I had only dreamed about. Personally, I spent my hard earned overtime traveling the Caribbean and purchased my first condo.

About halfway through the decaded, I fell in love with my now husband--fittingly in Boston during the Democratic National Conventions. So much good has come from my life and time in Boston! In 2006 we got married and purchased our first real house together and where we live today.

Sadly, this decade did bring us some deep sadness when Andy's mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died almost a year and half later. But we know she is watching over us from above and is likely laughing and smiling as she always did in her eartlhy life!

Fastforward almost three years, and we have two beautiful children together and two beautiful nieces and one adorable nephew. All of the Hamilton cousins were born this decade. This decade has brought us many blessings and I hope the next 10 years will continue to find us all in excellent health and spirit.

One last, but very important note for this decade in review concerning family and friends. I truly came to cherish, respect, love, and appreciate my family over the past 10 years. Moving away and growing up will do that to you. I've also come to appreciate and love all the friends I've had and lost over the past 10 years. Some were around as the saying goes "for a season" and some "for a reason". Others are my forever friends--both old and new. But one thing is for sure--I have loved you and cherished you all--whether you were my friend for a season, a reason, old, new, and forever. You've all added something to my life and I know that we have many more life adventures to explore in this new decade. So, Happy New Year and decade. May we all be blessed!

Happy Christmas!

I love Christmas! Who doesn't?? But I was especially excited for this Christmas. First, this was the first Christmas in two years that we have actually been at our own house for Christmas! Ever since Luke was born, we've spent the holiday in Boston with my family--who I very much missed this year. However, it was nice not to have to travel and to decorate knowing we'd see gifts under our very own tree!. Additionally, this is the first year that Luke had an idea as to what Christmas is all about--from presents to Santa to the birth of Jesus--the real reason for the season. At first he didn't believe that there actually was a Santa Claus, but by Christmas Eve, he was very excited about Santa coming down our "hot"--which is what he calls our fireplace. On Christmas morning he even told me that he heard Santa come down "the hot"!!

It was also the first Christmas we celebrated with TWO children. How blessed we are!! Jacob really completes our family and we had double the fun that morning. Even my little 9 month old got excited about the toys and the wrapping paper. It was so much fun to watch them both. Jacob loved eating everything that wasn't actual food and Luke's face when he saw his most favorite gift (a kitchen) was priceless and just what I dreamed it would be.

Since Jake just went with the flow and Luke was totally into his kitchen, the rest of us (me, Andy, and Grandpa Gene) got to eat breakfast and get some much needed coffee. Four hours later, we finally got through opening all the gifts. I was so anxious to see Luke's face open each gift, but had to remind myself to appreciate this slow and relaxed approach, as I'm sure it won't be long until both boys are tearing through gifts in a frenzy!

I remember anticipating Christmas as a child so much that I would get nervous butterflies in my stomach and had a hard time staying asleep! As I got older, although I loved the gifts every bit as much, I was "too cool" to race to the tree and see what "Santa" brought us. Finally, this year once again, I had that butterflies in my tummy feeling and was waking up every hour anxiously waiting for my children to wake up. And wouldn't you know that both kids slept a little bit late that day? Ah, the ironies of life!

The rest of Christmas day was spent lounging in our pajamas, eating cookies and candy, and playing with the toys scattered everywhere. I really couldn't think of a better way to spend Christmas...unless of course the rest of my family was with us. But, there's always next year...;-)

Germaphobes and Pigs

I am already known as a nutty germaphobe amoungst my family and friends. I'm the crazy one who uses a cart cover until my child is so big that I simply cannot lift him high enough to properly get him IN the cart. I'm also the one who carries around hand sanitizer and wipes and washes my hands and that of my toddler the second we enter the house. This is all in an attempt to keep away the ever dreaded GERM monster that is surely lurking on every store cart, door handle, and playground. And yes, we still get sick. In fact, Jake just finally got over his second cold of the season already. It traveled through our house, as most germs do. It's not as if I am a wuss when it comes to sicknesses. I've had countless flus (prior to the vaccine), colds, and even norovirus, which is THE worst of them all, by the way. And with Luke we tackled all sorts of germ monsters...you name it, he probably had it; from chicken pox, to ear infections (oh, the incessant ear infections), to stomach bugs, RSV, and the flu (despite the vaccine!). Yes, Luke's first 15 months of life were a nightmare for this germaphobe. It may have been the very thing that brought me to this point to begin with!! Even now, the memory of the horrid ear infections haunt me. Since Jake has had two pretty horrible colds, I simply expected the ear infection to come. Each night after I put him to sleep, I held my breath and waited...waited for the scream that would keep us up all night until we got our salvation--antibiotics, from his pediatrician the next morning. And even though his cold is long since gone, I still think to myself, well maybe there is still fluid in his body lurking...because many a time, Luke would appear to have no sickness at all and yet STILL have an ear infection. Thank God, though, literally....I am still just waiting.

I actually started out being a bit cavalier with Jacob. After all, he's my second child and as written above, I've been through plenty medically speaking with Luke and even Jake himself. I thought I'd be more laid back about the whole germ thing this time around. And I was. Until news of H1N1 hit. For a germaphobe such as me, there is no greater fear than to know that there is a serious disease out there that is very catchy and easy to get and is possible to die from. It is for my little ones that I fear. All you hear about is how children everyone are dying from this and they NEED to get vaccinated. Well, vaccines are scarce and our pediatrician STILL doesn't have any. Yes, I've been calling every week (sometimes more than once!). What am I supposed to do? Live in a bubble? Not very practical...not that I haven't thought about it even still... ;-)

So, here I am--second guessing myself over every sneeze, sniffle, cough, and Heaven forbid, fever and vomiting. I cope the only way I can. I overcompensate. So, if you see a crazy lady wiping down her cart with wipes and Lysol spray in the parking lot of Giant or Target, please don't stare, I do it for my own sanity or what little is left...just come on over and say hello...but only if you aren't coughing or sneezing or feeling feverish! ;-)

Thank you....

Wow! I cannot believe that I haven't posted in months...since before summer even began and now, alas, it is on its way out. It has been a crazy summer. One of ups and just as many downs. We've had some adjusting to do in our family with the arrival of Jacob. It hasn't been an easy road, but looking back now on the past few months, it has been a rewarding and educational one.

During the worst of times, there were moments when I really thought I might lose my mind. Jake-even now still-sometimes would just fuss and cry ALL day. Generally, there's no such thing as naps with Jacob. And I would find myself crying and fussing all day too! I could go into specifics, but suffice it to say that for the past month, we've been battling severe reflux and a poop issue that has involved some horrible testing. Also, I've collected more stool samples in more ingenious manners than I ever thought possible. And despite the distress I was under, I knew my littlest guy was experiencing worse. Sometimes, when he was in pain and crying, he'd look at me as if to say 'you're my mama, you are supposed to protect me from pain.' Of course, I'd give my life to protect him from knowing pain, but we all know that is just not possible in this world. But knowing that does not ease my guilt...the worst kind...the kind that strikes at me and has left its scars.

The stress has just been palpable at times. Poor Luke. He just didn't know what to do with a crying mama and baby brother! For all of his tantrums and frustrating questions, he, this little 30 month old guy, has been my life boat. He's been a source of pride and joy and humor. Gosh, how this kid makes me laugh and smile. Every day I grow more amazed at what he's learned or the kind of laughter he can bring. Even on those nights when all I wanted to do was run upstairs and hide,Luke would say or do something and I would just burst out laughing and thank God for such a blessing in my life.

Jacob is another blessing, of course. I know he'll get through this phase and we'll be stronger for it. I know because when he falls asleep on my chest, listening to my heart beat, I feel us connected. I know because when he giggles at all my kisses on his face or shoots me his flirty smile, that there is so much happiness for he and I to discover together, just as Luke and I do. And finally, I know when I see my oldest boy singing and tickling my youngest and hear those shrieks of delight, that all will be okay and everything is alright.

I've realized that God sends us children to allow us to experience joy and to teach us life lessons. I know there's lessons for me to learn here and I already know the joy. So thank you to my boys, Luke and Jake for all I've learned and yet to learn, and most especially for all the joy and the joy to come.

10 Years Ago...

So, my birthday is in a few weeks (as my dear husband reminded me!)! I NEVER forget my birthday--as soon as May pops up, I'm always so excited for my special day, so you know I've been busy and sleep deprived when that happens! Anyways, I will be 31 years old! To me, that sounds old--I know it is not really in the grand scheme of things, but to think that 10 years ago, I was only turning 21--just becoming an adult--I wasn't even out of college yet--wow! The funny thing is, I don't feel 31 (whatever that should feel like!)--I still feel like I'm 21--until I look in the mirror and realize I see some aging on my face from my years spent in the sun and my body changed due to the beautiful babies I gave birth to. It's a bit shocking now to read in magazines that I need to start prepping my skin with anti-aging creams/washes. Seriously? Just yesterday it seems I was reading about using washes to keep my skin healthy and pure...but ah, that was my 20's.

Now, I got to thinking about all this not solely because of my birthday, but because of something that happened while I was out driving the other day. It was a gorgeous, warm spring day here in Virginia. I was kid-free because I was on my way to the dentist (who-hoo!). I was wearing one of the few pants and t-shirts that still fit me--dark brown khakis and an orange t-shirt with brown Sketcher sneakers. My dark, autumnal colors stood in stark contrast to the beautiful, sunny day we were having. However, I still felt pretty good about myself because I had makeup on and my hair was actually blowdried (both a rarity since having a newborn!). Until that is, I saw a cute convertible with about 5 young blonde girls in it...their hair still perfect despite the convertible top down, their music blaring, all with cute tank tops and shades on and their skin perfectly bronzed. Suddenly, they look over at me and I am now painfully aware of what I look like in my dark, dowdy clothes and driving my minivan. Ouch! I am SO a mom and I'm old!!

While this got me feeling down, initially; in the end, I'm okay with it, because yes I AM a mom and I DO drive a mini-van and yes, I DO have to work at getting back into my pre-pregnancy clothes. BUT, I wouldn't trade any of it because I have a great husband and two deliciously sweet, cute little boys who make my life so rich and wonderful. Because I get to hear the sound of Luke's little feet as he runs around the house screaming "I love you mama!" Because I get to watch Jake smile peacefully as he sleeps in my arms. Because I married my best friend. And yes, at times they frustrate me (all 3 of them!) and make me exhausted, but they also love and adore me--even in my dowdy clothes and my hair unwashed in a scrappy pony tail! And that is a love you don't trade for ANYTHING!

So bring it on, 31...I can't wait until I'm 41 and get to reflect back on these 10 years.

Reflux, allergies, and colic, oh my!

So, my second son, Jake, was supposed to be the "easy baby." With my first son, Luke, we had a rough first 15 months. He was born with torticollis; he had silent reflux; screamed for 2 hours EVERY day for weeks; was on several different formulas before we found one that would help w/ his reflux; went through food texture issues in which he would vomit on anything thicker than purees; and was literally sick every week once he entered daycare; and finally, got ear tubes put in and adenoids taken out; not to mention that he didn't sleep through the night until he was a year old! Now, we have been generally blessed and things could always have been worse and thankfully, all of his issues have been resolved! However, as first years go, I'm surprised we even wanted to have another baby!

But alas, that is how mother nature works...she is able to make those memories fade just a bit so that it doesn't seem so bad at all. So, God blessed us a second time and Jacob was born. He is my sweet, adorable little baby boy and I never thought I could love another son as much as I love Luke--but of course, I do. However, although I should have been better prepared that having a baby is not all cuddles and sweetness, I was blindsided again.

It started when he was 2 weeks old with us finding blood in his stool. So, we brought countless poop samples to Jake's doc who tested it for everything. Unbelieveably, he tested positive for a staph food poisoning infection. What? How does a 2 week old get that? Well, it likely came from someone's skin or perhaps it was on his own skin and somehow ended up in the poop sample. Seriously? I'm a germaphobe to all who know me well. I wash my hands twice after coming in from the stores, public, etc. You will find hand gel at every sink I own and wet wipes in every vehicle and purse. Yet still, my newborn contracts such an infection. Luckily, no treatment is needed; it's the kind of thing that just clears up on its own.

So, two weeks and five formulas later, we are on the gold standard of formulas--Elecare, which you cannot even buy in the store--it gets delivered to your home. I won't even discuss how much it costs; thank goodness for insurance is all I can say. As that was being resolved, Jake started getting very fussy every single waking moment and THEN, the vomitting started. On the worst day, he vomitted something like 14 times after one feeding. It was horrific. Another doctor's visit and one trip to the radiologist for an Upper GI at MWH later, severe acid reflux was diagnosed. Zantac did nothing for my little guy and a week later, we saw a GI specialist at Children's in WDC, who prescribed prevacid. It took about a week, but the vomitting stopped and now he is just a normal spit-uppy baby! However, the colic still hadn't ceased. Now, most ped doctors agree that the generic term 'colic' usually means that the baby is suffereing from a milk allergy or acid reflux. We had eliminated both of those possibilities with the Elecare formula and the prevacid. It was getting really tough for me since every waking moment was filled with Jake's screaming. The only relief came when he was eating or sleeping. Poor Luke, who has been really great during this, now says, "Jake always crying." I felt horrible because I just wanted Jake to be happy and not feel miserable EVERY moment of his little life; not to mention, I was going insane with all the crying. Unlike with Luke, there was no rhyme or reason to it. Luke cried from 4 pm - 6 pm every day; at least I could expect it. Jake didn't want to be so considerate! I mean, this kid didn't like the swing (and I have 2 different kinds!), the baby bjorn, swaddling, shushing, rocking-NOTHING! The nighttime feedings were also increasing as my sleep and patience were decreasing. Finally, I decided to try Dr. Brown's bottles (at the very gentle reminder from my mom that they worked for Luke). However, I never thought I would need to do that for Jake, prior to his birth. I expected to be able to use plain ole Similac with the easy, cheaper Playtex bottles. Finally, I succumbed to the fact that this is not going to be easy and life does not guarentee you an easy baby. So, we spent the money on the bottles and I figured out a system to make the formula ahead of time (to lessen the bubbles) and hold my breath and pray.

Well, God answered. Jake is doing much better thus far with the premade hypo- allergenic formula and Dr. Brown's bottles AND prevacid. Phew! It's been a long 6 weeks, but this too shall pass, right?

Now, he is a much more smiley baby and fusses maybe only half the time he's awake! :-) I think he senses he can melt my heart with his cute smile; I'm in trouble when he gets older! ;-)

Oh and my salvations for the times that continue to be fussy (b/c he is, after all, still only 6 wks old!)---vibrating bouncy chair; warm bath; and exercise ball. That exercise ball has served me well with my children, if not my weight--it helped me go into labor with Luke and helps me quiet down Jake!

I just said to Andy the other day, "You know, Jake was supposed to be our easy baby--no acid reflux, no colic, no chasing down formulas, no specialists..." Well, there are no guarentees in life and as long as he is generally healthy and continues to grow and thrive, all is good. But, mother nature--do not think you can fool me again. Thank you very much, but we are done having children. Blessed twice is enough for us!

I Would Trade My Husband For a What?

So, I've gotten caught up in the new book entitled, "I Would Trade My Husband for a Housekeeper". The two (obviously)female authors were on Oprah the other day and while I agree with their sentiment, that motherhood is THE toughest job out there, I can think of lots of other things I might need before a housekeeper--a nanny, a cook, and an organizer, are just a few!

But in all seriousness, I have been blessed with a wonderful husband. One who doesn't mind getting dirty in the trenches with me and who is always encouraging me to take some time for myself. The only problem with all of this is I cannot because I suffer from this self-defeating, invasive disease known as GUILT! No one told me that motherhood encompassed a WORLD filled with guilt. Guilt if I want to eat; guilt if I want to take a shower or sleep or talk on the phone for 10 minutes, or Heaven forbid, go to the bathroom--ALONE!!! As moms, we can experience guilt in just about any situation. It is for this reason, that I cannot simply "ditch" my kids with my wonderful husband for an afternoon of carefree shopping or to sleep away the morning. Instead, I find myself resenting how easily HE is able to get away for a little bit--completly and utterly guilt free! How dare he!

Oh and we don't just feel the guilt that we put on ourselves, we get this guilt from everywhere and everyone. We get it for the choices we make and the choices we don't make. Critics are lurking among topics of breastfeeding vs. bottlefeeding; working outside the home vs. staying at home; co-sleeping vs. independent sleeping, etc. Really, we are our own worst enemies. Instead of saying, well this works best for THIS mom, so that's cool, we (and by "we" I mean everyone-other moms, the media, etc) feel the need to critique and second guess each other. Since motherhood is indeed the toughest, roughest job we'll ever take on, we should be supporting each other not just in the choices we've made, but in overcoming this war on guilt. We should encourage each other to get away for a few moments without feeling that our children will surely end up psychologically damaged; or that it is okay to leave our children in the care of (ghast!) someone other than family members for a little while. Moms need to recharge just like anyone else, and we'll all be happier for it, because as the saying goes, "if mamma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!"

So, in closing, I would NOT trade my husband for a housekeeper; I'll just let him do the housekeeping while I sleep--without feeling one once of guilt! :-)

NO more shopping!!!

Haha! So, I go from the shopping madness to none at all! Well, part of that is brought on by necessity since I now have a newborn and cannot drive for another week since I've had a C-Section! So, I have decided to challenge myself and Andy by not stepping into a grocery store for as long as possible. We really have so much food in this house from my OCD stockpiling and obsession with sales. So, other than milk/formula, juice, and some fresh produce, I am not buying ANYTHING in the grocery stores...my goal is 2 weeks. It may require some creativity, but I'm willing and (almost) able! I'll keep my blog updated with my successes/downfalls, as well as how much money we are able to save by doing this!

Welcome Jacob!!

So, my second born is here! He arrived safe and sound on March 19th and we have been home now for a little over a week!! He is just precious and I cannot wait to get to know his little personality! Luke has adapted wonderfully!! He's had the occassional meltdown, but he is really sweet with Jake and just eating up his big brother role! Actually, Luke's main issue is that I cannot do the things I normally do with him due to my C-Section recovery. During my surgery it was discovered that I had A LOT of scar tissue from my FIRST section, so I'm supposed to take it extra easy this time around...easier said than done. It breaks my heart to not be able to lift up my Luke into my arms or into his crib, etc. It's hard for him too, but we'll get there.

While I was pregnant, I struggled with the idea of being able to love TWO children and while I still wonder at it all, there is no doubt how very much I love my 2 sons. Still, it feels differnt in the house now...schedules and roles have changed as we are all adjusting to having a newborn in the house again. And while a part of me still misses the alone time Luke and I shared, I am thrilled to be able to share Jake with him and watch as he grows more and more responsible, caring, and helpful towards me and his little bro! My favorite part of the day is when Jake is alert and just watches Luke play...it is very precious to me. And ah, I cannot wait for the day when they play together...of course, I'm sure there will be fights and I'll have to intervene--but I'm really looking forward to that day! Bring it on!

Andy and I feel very blessed to have two wonderful baby boys (Luke will always be my "baby") and we really feel now that our family is complete...which leaves me as the only girl in the house...which is just PERFECT for me! ;-)